Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #126 · 2026-10-23

Lerato Vandeleur
of Zouch and Sons, est. 1902

an annual inspection of a washing machine you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno machine, no approval, no exit for the caller

“Bernard offered to feed an inspector for a washing machine he does not own; the caller hung up on his own script.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Lerato Vandeleur Hello there, Lerato Vandeleur here from Zouch and Sons, established 1902 — brilliant to catch you, I'm ringing about your annual washing machine inspection.
Bernard Well, now, who gave you this number? My washing machine's a phantom — there isn't one in the house at all. The dog leans on the fence panel by the porch and I've never so much as plumbed one in.
Lerato Vandeleur Ha, a phantom machine, that's brilliant, thank you for that. Still, the annual inspection covers the seal, the drum and the safety cut-out, so it's a lovely bit of peace of mind.
Bernard Oh, I'd not say no to a bit of peace of mind. Now, the seals — is that the ones down by the harbour? Mind you, I've a pigeon that sits on the sill and I'd worry it'd take against the drum.
Lerato Vandeleur Lovely, a pigeon with opinions, that's noted. It's the machine's own rubber seal we check, not the harbour ones — so shall I put you down for the visit?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, that's very good of you. Tell me, does the inspector need feeding? Only I'd want to have something out for him when he comes.
Lerato Vandeleur Ha, no need for anything out for him. So can I go ahead and approve the inspection visit for the coming year?
Bernard You're very kind to ask. Hold on a moment, I'll just have a look at the notices pinned inside the porch — my glasses are somewhere about. Now what was it you wanted approving?
Lerato Vandeleur The inspection visit, for the coming year. Just to approve — it's one visit, once a year.
Bernard Ah yes, the inspection. Well, I'm very interested, I truly am — only I keep fretting the inspector would turn up and find nothing to look at. Is it the Tuesday today?
Lerato Vandeleur Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself and Zouch and Sons, established 1902.
  2. Explain the annual washing machine inspection and its safety benefits.
  3. Address the objection that they have no washing machine to inspect.
  4. Ask them to approve the inspection visit for the coming year.

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