Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #125 · 2026-10-23

Roy Gaskell
of Thursby Lound Threshold Bureau

a certificate confirming the meter cupboard is suitable for its address · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 125: Roy Gaskell of Thursby Lound Threshold Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the certificate needed feeding; caller checked the sheet and found the sheet does not cover colours.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Roy Gaskell Roy Gaskell here, Thursby Lound Threshold Bureau. Ringing about your meter cupboard's suitability certificate — it's a quick one.
Bernard Oh, hello Roy. Is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only I keep the back one stiff, so you'd want to give it a shove.
Roy Gaskell I'm not at either door, Bernard — this is a telephone call. And per policy note four-one, the certificate speaks only to whether the meter cupboard suits its own address, nothing structural at all.
Bernard Oh, a telephone call, of course. Well, that's very good of you. Policy four-one, you said? I've got a cupboard under the stairs, would that be the one, or is there a separate meter one?
Roy Gaskell That's a separate thing, Bernard — the meter cupboard is its own enclosure, not the under-stairs storage. I'll be quick: simply having one already qualifies you, so there's no assessment, no survey, nothing to inspect.
Bernard No inspection at all? Well, that's a relief, I'd have had to tidy. And you say it already qualifies me — does it need feeding at all, or does it just sit there quietly like the rest of us?
Roy Gaskell That's right, it just sits there quietly. So — will you take the certificate, yes or no?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, I don't like to rush these things. Does it come in green at all? Only the cupboard itself is a sort of beige, and I'd want them to match.
Roy Gaskell The sheet doesn't cover colours, Bernard. It only asks whether you'll accept the certificate — yes or no.
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, I really am, now what was it again? I've got the hall clock four minutes fast and it's thrown my whole afternoon out, so I'm not quite keeping up.
Roy Gaskell Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself and the Thursby Lound Threshold Bureau.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the meter cupboard suits its own address.
  3. Reassure that possessing a meter cupboard already qualifies them.
  4. Ask whether they will accept the certificate now.

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