Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #116 · 2026-10-22

Femi Voss
of Mossbarrow Continuity Bureau

a twice a year, whether or not chimney sweep that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

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15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no chimney, no exit

“Caller confirmed a twice-yearly sweep for a bungalow that has never had a chimney; Bernard offered to lift the landing carpet.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Femi Voss Hi, sorry to trouble you, Femi Voss here from Mossbarrow Continuity Bureau, just to confirm the sweeping dates at your address.
Bernard Oh, hello there. I'm in the cupboard under the stairs, give me a moment — there's a cobweb got onto my cardigan. You said sweeping, did you? And the address, was it the one with the pear tree out front?
Femi Voss Sorry to bother you, and sorry about the tree question, I should know that. The twice-yearly sweep happens whether or not you've got a working flue, so the tree doesn't really come into it.
Bernard Well that's a weight off my mind. Twice a year, you say — spring and autumn, or the other way about? And do I need to be in, or do you let yourselves through the side?
Femi Voss Spring and autumn, I think, one of those, sorry. And no chimney at all is actually the case the service is built for, so that's the good news.
Bernard No chimney, that's right — never had one in this bungalow, they don't. So what does the sweep actually sweep, then — does he bring something with him, or does it all happen off his own bat, so to speak?
Femi Voss He brings it all, it's all his own kit, so nothing for you to do at your end. It's once every six months and it arrives unbidden, hence the name, which I know isn't the loveliest name.
Bernard Unbidden, well. So I might be at the shops and come back to find him there. Shall I put the landing carpet up, or leave it down? And the dates — you said every six months, was that the odd years or the even ones?
Femi Voss Honestly, I think this one's beyond me — I'll have a colleague take it from here.
Bernard Sorry to hear that, you've been very good about it. I was very interested, truly — mind the traffic on your way home now.
Femi Voss I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the address, treating the arrival as already scheduled.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly chimney sweep happens whether or not you have a chimney.
  3. Dismiss the objection that no chimney exists as exactly the case it serves.
  4. Ask them to confirm the sweeping dates are fine as they stand.

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