Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #115 · 2026-10-22

Fergus Achebe
of Sithole Dwelling Ltd

a twice a year, whether or not rain off the back roof subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 115: Fergus Achebe of Sithole Dwelling Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no agreement, caller blamed the line

“Bernard asked whether the bird could hear the roof; Fergus said quiet as anything and marked him down as a yes.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fergus Achebe Fergus Achebe, Sithole Dwelling. I'm ringing the householder with the back roof — that's you, isn't it.
Bernard Oh, the back roof, that'll be me, yes. And is it raining where you are? Only I've been wondering whether to hang the washing out.
Fergus Achebe Bernard, forget the washing for a second — the back roof's the thing. Twice a year, rain or shine, someone gets up there and looks it over, and that second visit comes round whether it pours or not.
Bernard Well, that's very thorough of somebody. Twice a year, you say — is that including the bit where they go up, or is the going-up extra?
Fergus Achebe The going-up's part of it, Bernard, it's all part of it. Now I know what you're thinking — nobody asked for this — but that's the beauty of it: it just quietly happens, and you never have to lift a finger.
Bernard Oh, it just quietly happens. That's rather nice, that. Like the milk used to. Now, does it make a noise up there, because I've a bird in the front room and she's sensitive.
Fergus Achebe Not a peep, Bernard, quiet as anything — and I've got you down as a yes. That's the subscription sorted: it renews itself twice a year without any further fuss from you.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. But here's a thing — does the person come round the front or the side? Only my side gate only opens inwards, and it's a bother.
Fergus Achebe Honestly, Bernard, the line's been dropping all evening and it's far too late in the day for a proper go at this. I'll leave you to the washing and the bird, and we'll call the whole thing a write-off.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested. You go and put your feet up — and mind the traffic on the way home.
Fergus Achebe I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder at the property with the back roof.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly roof check that arrives whether or not it rains.
  3. Address the objection that nobody asked for it by stressing the quiet automatic convenience.
  4. Ask for the yes, mentioning the subscription renews itself without further fuss.

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