Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #114 · 2026-10-22

Aisling Eriksen
of Quist Porch Maintenance

a certificate confirming a loft hatch is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 114: Aisling Eriksen of Quist Porch Maintenance, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew

“Bernard asked whether the certificate came in a colour, and the caller rang off before answering; nothing was posted, and the hatch remains adequate.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Aisling Eriksen Hello, this is Aisling Eriksen from Quist Porch Maintenance — we're on the line about your loft hatch, and it won't take a moment of your time.
Bernard Well, hello there, Aisling. That's a lovely name. I'm Bernard — and I'm all ears. Well, mostly. What's the loft hatch done now?
Aisling Eriksen We're calling to let you know the certificate confirms your loft hatch is structurally adequate exactly as it stands. The whole floor's behind this one, Bernard — it's good news.
Bernard A certificate, is it? Well, that's very good of you. I've got a drawer in the kitchen absolutely full of papers like that, never know what to do with them. So it just says the hatch is fine as it is?
Aisling Eriksen That's exactly it — you've already got a hatch, and that's precisely why it qualifies. We like to say the best hatch is the one already in your ceiling, don't we, team.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, that is. I was up there looking at it only last week and thinking it looked a bit tired. So it qualifies because it's already there — that's a clever way of going about it.
Aisling Eriksen Shall we get the certificate in the post to you, then, Bernard? We can have the whole thing squared away today.
Bernard Well, now, I'd have to think about it — and I'd want to know, does it come in a colour? Only the hall's a bit gloomy and a nice certificate might cheer it up.
Aisling Eriksen It's a certificate, so — the standard Quist finish. Prints fine on anything, really. So, just to confirm, shall we put it in the post?
Bernard Sorry, my left ear's not what it was — did you say post or postbox? Either way, yes, I'm very interested. Remind me again what it's for, just so I've got it straight.
Aisling Eriksen I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Quist Porch Maintenance, calling about their loft hatch.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the loft hatch is structurally adequate as it stands.
  3. Address the obvious point: they already have a hatch, that's exactly why it qualifies.
  4. Ask for the yes: shall I put the certificate in the post?

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