Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #113 · 2026-10-22

Sylvia Ottley
of The Association of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners

a replacement for a garden gate that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard offered the survey man a cup of tea; the caller lost his place and then lost the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sylvia Ottley Hello, sorry to bother you, my name's Sylvia Ottley from The Association of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners. I'm ringing about the garden gate at the property, if that's all right?
Bernard Oh, I don't get many calls, so take your time. The garden gate, you say? Well, that's very good of you. I've got the squirrel on the feeder again and he's winning, so you carry on.
Sylvia Ottley That's kind of you. So the Association runs an approved replacement scheme for gates on properties like yours, fully cleared and signed off. Sorry, I'm reading this a bit fast, is that making sense so far?
Bernard Well, yes, I think so. A replacement gate, you said—now, would it come in green? Because the hedge is a bit of a green, if you follow, and I'd want them to match.
Sylvia Ottley The colours are your choice, I'll note that down. And people do ask whether the gate's actually broken, and that's rather the point, it doesn't need to be, that's exactly what makes it qualify.
Bernard Oh, I see, so it's the ones that aren't broken that get done. That's the opposite of what I'd have thought, but I'm not a man of business. Does it need feeding at all, or is it happy on its own?
Sylvia Ottley Sorry, feeding, I think that's the squirrel talking, not the gate. So if I could just confirm, shall I put you down for the survey and the fitting, yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but yes, I'm very interested—now, would the survey man want a cup of tea? Only I'd put the kettle on for him, it's no trouble.
Sylvia Ottley That's very hospitable of you, I'll pass it on. Sorry, I've rather lost my place in the list, let me see, yes, the survey, and then the fitting follows after, so I just need your yes on that.
Bernard You've mislaid your place, have you? Oh, that's all right, these lists get the better of everyone. I'm very interested, now what was the first thing again—the survey, was it?
Sylvia Ottley Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the property with the garden gate.
  2. Explain the Association's approved replacement gate scheme for sound gates.
  3. Address the objection that the gate is not broken: that is the qualifying condition.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule the survey and replacement.

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