Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #112 · 2026-10-22

Ieuan Gaskell
of Pettigrew, Tupou and Palgrave Wall Coatings Partnership

a membership with no savings and no newsletters · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 112: Ieuan Gaskell of Pettigrew, Tupou and Palgrave Wall Coatings Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller self-terminated

“Bernard offered the caller a sit-down and mentioned the bird; Ieuan declined both and hung up on his own script.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ieuan Gaskell Hello, Ieuan Gaskell here from Pettigrew, Tupou and Palgrave Wall Coatings Partnership, about our membership. Have you a moment?
Bernard You're very clear, I'll say that for you. Pettigrew, Tupou and Palgrave — that's a lot of names to get through before breakfast. I've got all the time in the world, mind. What was it you wanted to talk about?
Ieuan Gaskell Ah, thank you, and I'll be quick. The membership confers nothing at all — no savings, no bulletins, nothing of that sort; it is purely the standing of belonging, per policy footnote four.
Bernard So it's the standing, then. Nothing in the post at all? Well, that's a funny sort of thing to belong to. My neighbour belongs to a club where they only send him a bill. Is this the same sort of arrangement?
Ieuan Gaskell No, nothing like a bill. And on the point that nothing is included, the standing comes from the three on the door — that's your answer, and I can point to each of them on my printout here.
Bernard Oh, three on the door, that's a proper firm. Is that one of those old places where the brass plate needs a polish and nobody's done it? My front step could do with a going-over, as it happens.
Ieuan Gaskell The plate is not part of the membership, I'm afraid. So — will you join us, Bernard? It is a rather select list, and your own line would look very well upon it.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Select, you say — how select? Would there be room for me and the bird, so to speak? She's in the front room and she does like company.
Ieuan Gaskell That's, ah — the list is by household, not by bird. Look, will you join the membership, Bernard, yes or no, because I've rather lost where I was on this sheet.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am — you sounded like you'd got it all off pat as well. I was very interested, truly. You go and put your feet up, and mind how you go.
Ieuan Gaskell Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by naming the partnership and asking for a moment of their time.
  2. Describe the membership as conferring nothing, purely the standing of belonging.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is included by citing the three names on the door.
  4. Ask directly whether they will join, stressing the prestige of the list.

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