Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #111 · 2026-10-22

Denise Faleolo
of Quist Porch Maintenance Ltd

a bundle of a loft ladder and a tin of paint · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 111: Denise Faleolo of Quist Porch Maintenance Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, one bird consulted

“Bernard apologised for the caller's loss of interest; caller closed the file himself, ladder and paint unsold, bird's view on green unrecorded.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Denise Faleolo Denise Faleolo, Quist Porch Maintenance. Ringing because I'd like to know if you've got a loft.
Bernard Oh, a loft, yes, there's one up there somewhere. Sorry, I thought you were going to say gutters — that gurgling drain by the gate's been at me all week. Anyway, go on, what's it about?
Denise Faleolo Good, a loft. So the bundle's one loft ladder and one tin of paint, sold as a single arrangement. That's the whole thing.
Bernard One ladder and one tin of paint. Well, that's a funny pair, isn't it? Like two people at a bus stop who've never met. What colour's the paint, dear?
Denise Faleolo That is the objection, yes, they've got nothing to do with each other. But they come as one arrangement, so. Can I put you down for the ladder-and-paint bundle today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Would the ladder be all right in a bungalow, do you think? I know it's a loft, but it's a small loft.
Denise Faleolo Honestly, at this point I'd sell you the ladder for a bungalow and the paint for the sea. Do you want the bundle or not?
Bernard Paint for the sea, that's a lovely thought. Hold on, I've a bird here wants to know if the paint's green. Only he's particular.
Denise Faleolo You've got a bird with opinions on green now. I'm going to let you go, Bernard, this one's not happening. Thanks for your time.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, Denise, I really was very interested. You take care now, and mind yourself out there.
Denise Faleolo Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Quist Porch Maintenance, then ask if they have a loft.
  2. Describe the bundle: one loft ladder, one tin of paint, sold as a single arrangement.
  3. Address the obvious objection: the two items have nothing to do with each other.
  4. Ask for the yes on the ladder-and-paint bundle, today.

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