Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #107 · 2026-10-22

Niamh Crump
of Ferrier and Daughter, est. 1846

a certificate confirming the phone line is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 107: Niamh Crump of Ferrier and Daughter, est. 1846, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew on a green hallway

“Bernard asked whether the certificate came in green to match the hall; caller noted it and heard a yes, which Bernard had not said.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Niamh Crump Hi, it's Niamh Crump, Ferrier and Daughter, established 1846, and I'm ringing about your loft dust certificate, which I'm confident we can sort out in one go.
Bernard Oh, you've caught me halfway up the hall, but carry on, carry on. Ferrier and who, sorry? I've got the side gate jammed and it only opens inwards, which is no use to anyone. What was it you were certifying?
Niamh Crump Daughter and I go back a long way, Bernard, and the loft dust certificate certifies the obvious. Nobody has to wonder about it again.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Certifying the obvious, so it settles the wondering. Now does that come through the post, or do I have to hang about for it?
Niamh Crump Tell you what, Bernard, the best bit is your phone line already qualifies, so there's nothing for you to do at all. It's already in the clear.
Bernard Already qualifies, and I never lifted a finger. Does it need looking after, that, or does it just sit there being obvious?
Niamh Crump That's the easiest part, Bernard, it just sits there being obvious. So shall I put you down for the certificate today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. What I'd want to know is whether it comes in green, because the hallway's green and I'm fussy about that sort of thing. Would it mind the loft?
Niamh Crump Noted on the hallway, Bernard, and the loft won't bother it. So that's a yes for today.
Bernard Oh, well, now, I wouldn't say yes outright. It's a lovely offer and I'm very taken with it, but I'm the sort that has to sit with a thing. Tell you what, though, you've made my afternoon.
Niamh Crump I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Ferrier and Daughter, established 1846.
  2. Explain the loft dust certificate certifies the obvious.
  3. Reassure them their phone line already qualifies.
  4. Ask if they'll take the certificate today.

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