Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #106 · 2026-10-22

Terence Quarmby
of Bramble Chimney Sweeping Ltd

an upgrade to a back step you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 106: Terence Quarmby of Bramble Chimney Sweeping Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, ink booking unconfirmed, line dead

“Caller cited policy nine, policy fifteen and a printed history; Bernard cited a bath, a sister and a box of nails in three sizes.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Terence Quarmby Terence Quarmby here, from Bramble Chimney Sweeping Ltd. I'm calling about the back step at your property, which I believe you've not had looked at.
Bernard Oh, hello, is that selling or asking? Because I don't mind either way, I've got all afternoon. The back step, you say — well, now, I've been going out that way for forty years.
Terence Quarmby Asking, mostly. Now, the back step is something you may not even know you have, and I have our printed history here which states we must mention that.
Bernard A printed history, well that's very thorough. You won't mind me saying it sounds a bit like the radio licence, that does. Does the step need feeding at all, or is it the sort of thing that just sits there?
Terence Quarmby That's exactly the sort of misunderstanding that's common, sir, and it's no fault of yours — policy fifteen, it's all written down. Can I book the upgrade in for this week?
Bernard Well, I'd have to have a look at my diary, such as it is. Can you do a Thursday? Only I put the immersion heater on for a bath round about then, and I like to be in for it.
Terence Quarmby Thursday's fine — I'll put it in pen, not pencil, that's policy nine. So I'll say Thursday for the back step upgrade, yes?
Bernard Pen, very sensible, pencil always lets you down. Now then — which day was it you said? Only my sister's coming at some point and I'd not want to miss her.
Terence Quarmby Policy nine says I mark a booking in ink, and I have. So that's the back step arranged, yes?
Bernard Sorry, I've clean lost the thread now. Was it the step or the sweep we were doing? I've a box of nails in three sizes if it's any use to you, though I couldn't tell you why.
Terence Quarmby Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning the back step at their property.
  2. Explain it's an upgrade to the step they didn't know they had.
  3. Reassure them it's a common misunderstanding, no fault of theirs.
  4. Ask if you can book the upgrade in this week.

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