Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #105 · 2026-10-22

Derek Sithole
of Fennimore, Mowbray and Quigley Loft Boarding Partnership

a seasonal loft dust subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 105: Derek Sithole of Fennimore, Mowbray and Quigley Loft Boarding Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Caller lost his own flat yearly figure mid-pitch; Bernard offered directions home and the birds kept their chimney pot.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Derek Sithole Derek Sithole, Fennimore, Mowbray and Quigley Loft Boarding. I'm ringing about your loft dust, because apparently that's a thing I do now.
Bernard Hold on, let me turn the radio down. That one station's been going on about the weather all morning, and now there's you as well, which is nicer. Loft dust, you said — is that something you'd want feeding, or does it just get on with it?
Derek Sithole That's kind of you. So the seasonal loft dust subscription just means we come out each season and see to the dust, and it renews on its own so you never have to think about it.
Bernard Oh, well, that's very good of you, not having to think about it. I do a fair bit of not thinking about things, so I'd be in my element. What was the word — sees to it each seat? Season, sorry. Does it come in green at all?
Derek Sithole Green's not really the thing, no. And I hear the objection coming, so let me head it off — yes, a loft's dusty anyway, but you'd be surprised how much of it stops being your problem once it's ours.
Bernard Well, it's not really mine to begin with, is it? It's just up there being dusty at its own pace. I've got a chimney pot outside with birds in it, and they don't seem bothered. Would your people mind the birds?
Derek Sithole The birds wouldn't be in our remit, no. Look, can I just get a yes on the subscription and we'll go through the renewal terms — flat yearly, and it rolls over on its own, in dollars and cents.
Bernard Dollars, is it? I thought you were local. No matter. Yes, I'm very interested, only I can't remember whether it's my turn for the loft or my brother's — no, it's my brother's, I'm quite sure of it. What was the flat yearly again?
Derek Sithole I had it a second ago. It's — the figure sits on the sheet in front of me and I've read the same line out since about eight this morning, so it's gone. Honestly, I'm not sure the loft matters at all.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You sounded like you were doing a grand job of it. I was very interested, mind. You go carefully on the way home, now.
Derek Sithole Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the loft decision-maker at Fennimore, Mowbray and Quigley.
  2. Explain the seasonal loft dust subscription and its automatic renewal convenience.
  3. Address the obvious objection that lofts will be dusty anyway and renewal is unnecessary.
  4. Ask for the yes to begin the subscription and confirm renewal terms.

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