Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #103 · 2026-10-22

Trevor Lashley
of The Institute of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners

a replacement for a window catch that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, wasp logged

“Bernard confirmed the catch works, then asked whether the fitter would mind the wasp; caller opted for the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Trevor Lashley Hello there, Trevor Lashley here from the Institute of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners. I'm ringing about your window catch, which I'm afraid needs a like-for-like swap, and I'm just checking I've got the right cupboard examiner.
Bernard Well, hello there, Trevor, how are you keeping? Yes, you've got the cupboard examiner, that's me, though I thought I was the one being examined. Now, is it a cupboard examiner I need to make the tea for, or is it a window man?
Trevor Lashley Ha, brilliant, that's a lovely bit of feedback, Bernard, thank you. Right, the swap is required under institute fittings guidance, so a replacement catch is what's needed here.
Bernard Oh, a catch, a catch. I had a catch on a door once, kept swinging open whenever I put the bins out. Is this the sort of catch that needs feeding, or is it more of a self-contained thing?
Trevor Lashley Ha, that's a lovely bit of feedback, thank you, Bernard. The catch works, I know it does, but the unseen rating plate has to comply, and without the proper fitting it simply doesn't.
Bernard Well now, my catch does work, doesn't it, so that's a relief. But you're saying there's a plate I can't even see that's not happy. Should I go and have a look anyway, or would that be poking about where I shouldn't?
Trevor Lashley Honestly, sometimes I ring people who'd rather chat than sort this out, and I don't mind a bit. But I'd love a yes today so I can get the fitter pencilled in this week, so what do you reckon?
Bernard Oh, a fitter, this week, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it, mind, because there's a wasp in the kitchen window and I daren't open it till that's sorted out. Would the fitter mind a wasp?
Trevor Lashley That's brilliant, thank you, a wasp is a lovely thing to flag up. Look, I'm going round in circles here and I'm not going to win this one, so I'll put the whole thing in writing instead and you can read it at your leisure.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested as it happens. You go carefully now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Trevor Lashley I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are through to the airing cupboard examiner.
  2. Explain the catch replacement is required under institute fittings guidance.
  3. Address that the catch works by citing unseen rating plate compliance.
  4. Ask for the yes to book the like-for-like swap this week.

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