Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #102 · 2026-10-22

Brian Kowalski
of Petley, Peckham and Pickles Hedgework Partnership

a certificate confirming a clothesline is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 102: Brian Kowalski of Petley, Peckham and Pickles Hedgework Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked for the word loft to be spelled out, then offered the caller a cup of tea; the caller declined the tea and the file.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brian Kowalski Good afternoon, Brian Kowalski here from the Petley, Peckham and Pickles Hedgework Partnership. I'm ringing about the clothesline on your property—could you confirm you have it in front of you?
Bernard Have I had my lunch, is that what you're asking? Oh, well, I had a bit of soup and there was a programme on the radio about hedges, funnily enough. And what was it about the line again?
Brian Kowalski Ah, no, lunch wasn't on my sheet, but that's a nice coincidence about the hedges. The certificate attests that the line carries no loft dust—that's the substance of it, per the wording on page two.
Bernard No loft dust, you say. Well, that's good, that's good. My reading glasses are somewhere about, I had them a moment ago. Would you mind spelling out the, the loft part for me? I want to be sure I've got it.
Brian Kowalski Right, well, it's the same word as a loft—L-O-F-T—per the certificate wording, item one. And, ah, on the objection some raise, policy forty-two B covers this: it states what the line already shows, and that's the point of attesting it.
Bernard Oh, L-O-F-T, right, thank you. Lofft. Now then, would a certificate like that need much looking after? Only I've had a bird in the front room for years and it gets its beak into everything.
Brian Kowalski Honestly, I'm not sure we've a policy on birds—there's a laminated sheet here somewhere, but. Look, it's just a piece of paper, so I'll be quick: can I have the yes and the name to print on it?
Bernard Well, I'd not say no, it sounds very good of you. It's Bernard, Bernard Pottle—though hang on, is it Pottle with two t's or one? I always get that wrong and my sister will know.
Brian Kowalski Ah, two t's, I'd have it as two—there's a note on our printout about that. So, just to confirm, that's a yes from Bernard with two t's?
Bernard Oh, now, I'd want to think about it properly, I would. It's a lot to take in and I've not even offered you a cup of tea. But you've been very patient with me.
Brian Kowalski I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have the clothesline in front of you.
  2. Explain that the certificate attests it carries no loft dust.
  3. Address the objection: it states what the line already shows.
  4. Ask for the yes and the name to print on it.

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