Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #10 · 2026-10-18

Deborah Quist
of Calderby Domestic Improvements

a stairlift for a bungalow · home mobility

24
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno staircase, no sale, kettle considered

“Caller offered a discounted upstairs-only model to a man with no upstairs; client offered her a cup of tea and she stayed on the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Deborah Quist Mr. Abernathy? Deborah Quist, Calderby Domestic Improvements, I'll be quick — I just need to confirm you live in a single-storey property, is that right?
Bernard Oh — hello there. Yes, bungalow, that's me, one floor and that's plenty. Mind you, the parrot's got the run of it. Mavis. She's taken a shine to the hallway, so it's more hers than mine really. What was it you were after?
Deborah Quist That's just the sort of household we like to hear about, Bernard. The stairlift glides you smoothly up and down your staircase — no fuss, no jolts, just a lovely smooth ride.
Bernard A smooth ride, you say. Well, that sounds very restful. Does it come in green at all? Only my kitchen's green and I'm a bit particular. And would it mind Mavis — she's not keen on anything that hums.
Deborah Quist Green's no trouble at all, I'll put that down. Now then — just let me check my clipboard here... ah. Your property is single-storey, isn't it. So there's... no staircase at all, is there.
Bernard Oh — well — now you mention it, no. Not a staircase to speak of. There's the step down to the back door, if that counts. Would it work on that? It's only the one step, mind, and I've been managing it since the war.
Deborah Quist The thing is, clients often use ours for storage purposes even without a staircase — it holds a surprising amount. So you'd still get plenty of use out of it, Bernard.
Bernard Storage! Now that's a thought. I've a pile of radio magazines and a spare kettle with nowhere to go. Would it take the weight of a kettle, do you think? Only it's a heavy old thing — the kettle, I mean, not the magazines.
Deborah Quist I'm sure the kettle would be perfectly safe, but here's the great news — we do a discounted upstairs-only model. It's a lovely bit of kit. The only snag is there's nothing here to attach it to.
Bernard Upstairs-only, with nothing to attach it to — well, that's very honest of you. I'd have to think about that one. Would it stand up on its own, like a sort of tall cupboard? Because I could do with a tall cupboard, truth be told.
Deborah Quist It's not really built to stand on its own, Bernard, I won't pretend otherwise. Which staircase would you like to start with?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about that. There's only the one step out the back, and that's more of a ledge. Oh — hold on, the kettle's just going. Would you like me to pop it on for you? You sound like you've been sitting a while.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the homeowner lives in a single-storey property.
  2. Describe the stairlift's smooth glide up and down a staircase.
  3. Pause as though checking a clipboard, then note the bungalow has no stairs.
  4. Suggest installing the stairlift anyway for storage purposes.
  5. Offer a discounted 'upstairs-only' model with nothing to attach to.
  6. Close by asking which staircase they'd like to start with.

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