Call #55 · 2026-10-20
Douglas Petrie
of Ashcombe Fen Domestic Instruments
regret-only tape measure · sentimental gauge visitor pitch
18
Minutes on the line
31%
Will to live
13
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew while lead was warm
“Prospect asked whether the booklet was a coat-pocket or a drawer job; caller said drawer and ended the call.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Douglas Petrie
Douglas Petrie here, Ashcombe Fen Domestic Instruments. I'll be quick — I just need to establish that you own furniture. Do you?
Bernard
Furniture? Oh yes, plenty of it. Does a wardrobe count, or is that a bit too much cupboard and not enough chair?
Douglas Petrie
A wardrobe counts, yes. So — the product I'm calling about is a tape measure, but it's for regret only.
Bernard
A tape measure for regret. Well, I've got one in the hall cupboard somewhere, but it measures inches, I think. Does yours do inches?
Douglas Petrie
No, it does none of that. It isn't useful, and it isn't supposed to be.
Bernard
Oh, I see, not useful. That's rather refreshing, actually. Most things people ring me about are terribly useful and I never understand them.
Douglas Petrie
That's the idea. And the blade retracts on its own whenever you feel pleased about something you've bought.
Bernard
Retracts when you're pleased. So the better the purchase, the shorter it gets. My word — I bought a little radio last month and I'm still rather fond of it.
Douglas Petrie
Well, that would shorten it right up. And great news — there's a laminated booklet thrown in, at no extra intention.
Bernard
Laminated — that's a nice touch. Now, this booklet, would it fit in a coat pocket or is it more of a drawer job?
Douglas Petrie
A drawer job, I'd say. And I could calibrate the whole thing to your worst sofa, if you like.
Bernard
Calibrate it to my worst sofa. Goodness, I'd have to think about which one that is. There's one in the front room that's seen better days.
Douglas Petrie
Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming they own furniture, then pause oddly.
- Describe the product as a tape measure for regret only.
- Explain it cannot measure joy, width, or anything useful.
- Note the blade retracts whenever they feel pleased about a purchase.
- Offer a laminated regret log at no extra intention.
- Ask if they'd like it calibrated to their worst sofa.
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