Call #54 · on the line
Nadia Truscott
of Marchett & Vane Domestic Subscriptions
a quarterly subscription to gutter water · rainwater subscription
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Nadia Truscott
Good afternoon, this is Nadia from Marchett and Vane Domestic Subscriptions — just to confirm, your household has gutters in working order, yes?
Bernard
Oh — hello there. Gutters, yes. Well, the one over the back door drips something dreadful but I put a bucket under it, so it's doing its job really. Are you warm enough where you're sitting? It's turned chilly out.
Nadia Truscott
That's lovely, thank you, I'm quite cosy here. And a bucket under the drip is exactly the right spirit — because that's the heart of what we do: a seasonal collection of premium British gutter water.
Bernard
Gutter water. Well now. Is it — sorry, did you say gutter or butter? Only I've had my ear syringed and things come through a bit sideways. Either way it sounds very good of you. Mavis would be fascinated, she's my parrot.
Nadia Truscott
Gutter water, like rain off the roof — premium British gutter water, collected seasonally. It pairs beautifully with houseplants, and honestly it's lovely with a quiet Sunday morning.
Bernard
Oh, Sunday mornings, yes. I do like a quiet one — cup of tea, the radio on low, Mavis muttering away in the corner. She says things she's picked up, you know, and I've no idea where from. Does the butter water need feeding at all?
Nadia Truscott
No feeding needed, it's water through and through. Now, just so you know, delivery is by hand — a real person brings it — and it naturally depends on recent rainfall.
Bernard
By hand! That's charming, that is. So somebody knocks and hands it over — I could put the kettle on for them. And if it's been dry, no water? I suppose that's only fair. Does it come in green at all?
Nadia Truscott
I'm glad you asked that — people do wonder when they see the colour, but that's just natural patio runoff and it settles beautifully. Honestly it all drinks just fine if it's been raining properly.
Bernard
Drinks? Oh, I see, for the plants — not me personally, mind. Though I did once drink from the watering can as a boy, out of curiosity. My mother was not pleased. Now, would it be all right in a bungalow, do you think?
Nadia Truscott
A bungalow's absolutely fine, it's all about the gutters. So shall we begin with a small gutter trial pack — just to see how you and Mavis get on with it?
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about it — oh, but a trial pack sounds very sensible. Now, I'm very interested, I really am. What was the name of your firm again? Something and Vane, was it? I'll write it on the pad by the phone, if I can find the pencil.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming the household has gutters in working order.
- Explain the seasonal collection of premium British gutter water.
- Suggest the water pairs well with houseplants and quiet Sunday mornings.
- Clarify that delivery is by hand and depends on recent rainfall.
- Handle any objection about the water colour and patio runoff.
- Close by offering to begin with a small gutter trial pack.