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Call #420 · on the line

Ravi Trimley
of Mossbarrow Dwelling Bureau

a certificate confirming the immersion heater is properly registered · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ravi Trimley Hello, sorry to bother you — it's Ravi Trimley from Mossbarrow Dwelling Bureau. I'm ringing about the immersion heater in your cupboard, if that's all right?
Bernard Oh, hello there. I was just thinking about something else entirely — you'll have to start again, I'm afraid. What was it you said your name was?
Ravi Trimley Sorry, yes, Ravi Trimley — I'm new, I should have said it slower. It's Mossbarrow Dwelling Bureau, and I'm calling about the immersion heater in your cupboard, if that's all right.
Bernard That's a kind-sounding name, I must say. Now — the immersion heater, you said. Shall I go and have a look at it while you wait?
Ravi Trimley No, no need, please don't go anywhere — the certificate only records the heater you've already got. It's just a piece of paper saying it's the same heater it's always been, that's all.
Bernard Ah, a certificate. Well, that's very good of you. Though I dare say I'd know my own heater anywhere — it's got two settings, you know.
Ravi Trimley That's exactly right, and people say that a lot — but the certificate isn't about learning anything new, it just puts it on record. Sorry, that came out muddled. Should I go on?
Bernard No, no, you're doing splendidly. It's like my father used to say about the garden gate — it sticks in wet weather, but it's still a gate. Sorry, go on.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the immersion heater's registered owner.
  2. Explain the certificate merely records the heater already in their cupboard.
  3. Address the objection that it proves nothing they did not know.
  4. Ask them to confirm the certificate should be issued today.

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