Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #41 · 2026-10-20

Gareth Pickles
of Dunmore & Quill Household Niceties

a trouser press for a hamster · pet tailoring

24
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
10
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictprice held indefinitely, no trousers confirmed, parrot in frame

“Caller asked for a yes or no; customer offered to hold the price as long as he liked and enquired after green.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pickles Good evening, I'm Gareth Pickles calling from Dunmore & Quill Household Niceties. Have I reached the owner of the hamster?
Bernard Oh — hello! Well, that's very good of you to ring. Now, whose hamster would that be? Because Mavis is a parrot, you see, and she's sitting right here giving me a look. Mind you, she'd probably say yes to anything if there were biscuits involved.
Gareth Pickles I'll be quick, sir, I just need to confirm the hamster. So, just to confirm, how many pairs of trousers does the hamster currently own?
Bernard Trousers — oh, now, let me think. I'd have to go and look in the little drawer, only I'm not sure which drawer it is. Would it be the top one or the middle one? And is this a bedspread you're selling, or did I get that wrong?
Gareth Pickles It's not a bedspread, sir. It's the precision crease setting for tiny legs — it holds a razor-sharp pleat right down each little trouser leg, no ironing board required.
Bernard A crease! Well, that's marvellous. My late wife used to say a crease makes the man, and I've never managed one in my life. Would it work on a parrot, do you think? Only Mavis has these little grey feathers and she does like to look smart.
Gareth Pickles I'll be quick, sir — the warranty is only void if he outgrows it, so you're fully covered for the first year. Now, could I hold the price for one business fortnight for you?
Bernard One business fortnight — is that longer than a normal fortnight, or about the same? Only I like to know these things before I commit. And would it need feeding, this press? Because I'm not sure I could keep up with another mouth.
Gareth Pickles Honestly, I've been on this call forty minutes and I've no idea if a business fortnight is longer anymore. Sorry — sorry, let me start again. Can I hold the price for one business fortnight, yes or no?
Bernard Oh, don't apologise! It's nice to have the company. Yes, hold away — hold it as long as you like. Now, will it come in green? Only everything in this house is green, you see, and a white one would look ever so out of place.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the hamster's owner.
  2. Ask how many pairs of trousers the hamster currently owns.
  3. Describe the press's precision crease setting for tiny legs.
  4. Reassure that the warranty is only void if he outgrows it.
  5. Offer to hold the price for one business fortnight.

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