Call #390 · on the line
Neil Tulley
of Marchwold Dwelling Bureau
an upgrade to a manhole cover you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Neil Tulley
Hello, sorry to bother you — Neil Tulley, Marchwold Dwelling Bureau. It's about the manhole cover under your home, the one you may not know about. Is now alright?
Bernard
Oh, now's very good, I've nowhere to be. A manhole cover, you say — under the house? A friend of mine had a drain come up in the garden once, but that was years ago now.
Neil Tulley
That's the one, under the property. So the upgrade gives it a sealed rim, a reflective badge, and Bureau-approved ventilation slots — all fitted at no cost to you. Sorry, I'm reading this a bit quick.
Bernard
No cost, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Does it come in green at all? Only my bird's in the front room and he does like a bit of colour to look at.
Neil Tulley
Sorry, I've rather jumped ahead — let me go back a step. Some people say an unowned cover needs nothing at all, but Marchwold dwelling standards say otherwise, so it does apply.
Bernard
Marchwold standards, you said. I'm with you, I think. So what is it you'd be wanting from me?
Neil Tulley
Sorry to be a pest, but would you be able to just say yes and authorise the upgrade? The locality survey closes shortly and I'd hate for you to miss it.
Bernard
Oh, I'd have to think about it — I don't like to rush. The boiler's been clicking itself awake again at night, so my head's not quite in it. Tell me, does this thing need feeding at all?
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming they live above a manhole cover they've never asked about.
- Explain the upgrade: sealed rim, reflective badge, Bureau-approved ventilation slots.
- Dismiss the objection that unowned covers need nothing by citing Marchwold dwelling standards.
- Ask for the yes: authorise the upgrade before the locality survey closes.