Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #361 · 2026-10-31

Ingrid Rossiter
of Bramblehyde Holdings

a certificate confirming a boiler is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 361: Ingrid Rossiter of Bramblehyde Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, handover to colleague, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would take to the stairs in a bungalow; caller cited eleven thousand previous calls and passed the file.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ingrid Rossiter Ingrid Rossiter, Bramblehyde Holdings, ringing about your boiler. It's a quick one.
Bernard Oh, hello there, that's very good of you to ring. Ingrid, was it? Now, my boiler — it's been ticking away like an old clock and I can't say I've ever given it a moment's thought.
Ingrid Rossiter Ticking's fine, that's not what we're on about. The certificate just confirms the boiler is free of loft dust — that's the whole product, right there.
Bernard Loft dust, is it? Well, that's a load off. I did wonder, when I was up in the airing cupboard, whether any of it had drifted down — smells lovely in there, warm towels, you'd like it.
Ingrid Rossiter Lovely. The certificate simply states what you already know, so there's nothing to be alarmed about. So — shall I put your name on the certificate?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about that one. It's very good of you, and I'm interested, I really am — but would the certificate mind being up in a bungalow? Only I'm not sure it'd take to the stairs.
Ingrid Rossiter It's a certificate, it doesn't climb anything. Look — I'll be honest, I've made this call eleven thousand times, and I just need a yes on the name.
Bernard Eleven thousand, that's a lot of ringing. You must be parched — I'd offer you something but the phone's not much good for that. What was the name again, dear?
Ingrid Rossiter Right — I'm going to hand this one to a colleague. They'll sort it from here.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I was very interested, truly. You go carefully now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Ingrid Rossiter I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from Bramblehyde Holdings about their boiler.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms their boiler is loft-dust-free.
  3. Reassure them the certificate states what they already know.
  4. Ask whether to put their name on the certificate.

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