Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #3 · 2026-10-18

Gareth Munt
of Otterwell Domestic Assurances

insurance for a single kitchen sponge · micro-policy underwriting

21
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictsponge damp, rider declined by colour, review held in sink

“Caller offered a cup of tea mid-pitch; telemarketer cited being on the phone as the obstacle.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Munt Good evening, Gareth Munt here from Otterwell Domestic Assurances. Lovely to catch you — quick question to start us off: is the sponge at the moment damp, or would you say dry?
Bernard Oh — well, hello! Damp or dry, you say. Now, I've just done the dishes, so I'd say damp. Mind you, it's been a warm evening, so it could be either. Mavis has been eyeing it all afternoon. She's my parrot.
Gareth Munt Right, damp, thank you, that's very helpful. I'm afraid damp sponges are excluded from accidental damage cover — that's just how the underwriting works, nothing personal.
Bernard Oh, that's a shame. But it's a damp *crumb*, you said? Well, I suppose crumbs never did anybody any harm. Still, I'm very interested — now, what was it you were covering again?
Gareth Munt The sponge, Mr Pottle — we're covering the kitchen sponge. Now, the good news is there's an optional mould rider at four pounds a month, which would sit alongside the main cover rather neatly.
Bernard Four pounds, you say. Well, that seems very reasonable. Does it come in green? Only my kitchen's mostly green — the tiles, the tea towel — and it'd be a pity if it clashed.
Gareth Munt It's not really a colour as such, it's more a rider. Now, just to confirm, how many holes would you say the sponge has? I do need to note the answer solemnly.
Bernard Holes — oh, now you're asking. I'd say... four. No, five, there's one at the corner that's more of a tear. Holes it is, then. I'll put that down as five, shall I? Mavis chewed the corner, mind.
Gareth Munt Five it is — I'll note that solemnly. Right. Now, we'd also suggest a two-year grace period before any claim could be considered, which I think we can both agree is very generous.
Bernard Two years, is that right? Well, that's very good of you. That gives me plenty of time to get the kettle on and think it over. Would you like a cup of tea while we wait? Only I've just boiled it.
Gareth Munt That's very kind, but I'm on the phone, so. Right. So what I'd like to propose is an annual review of the policy, held in your sink — that's beat six of six, so if I could just get a yes.
Bernard In the sink, you say! Well, I've never been reviewed in a sink before. That would be a first. Let me just find my glasses and I'll say yes — oh, mind the traffic on your way, won't you.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open warmly and ask whether the sponge is currently damp or dry.
  2. Explain that damp sponges are excluded from accidental damage cover.
  3. Offer the optional mould rider at four pounds a month.
  4. Ask how many holes the sponge has and note the answer solemnly.
  5. Suggest a two-year grace period they will never reach.
  6. Close by proposing an annual review in their sink.

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