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Call #293 · 2026-10-28

Gordon Crump
of Colesworth Roofcare Ltd

an annual inspection of a loft hatch you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 293: Gordon Crump of Colesworth Roofcare Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno booking, no date, no ladder climbed

“Bernard offered the morning, the afternoon, and his sister at Christmas; Gordon offered his goodbye.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gordon Crump Hello there, sorry to bother you — it's Gordon Crump from Colesworth Roofcare Ltd, and I'm just calling about your annual loft hatch inspection.
Bernard Well, hello! You've caught me in the pantry, so you'll have to forgive the muffled voice. There's a tin on the shelf here nobody's opened since goodness knows when. Now — a loft hatch inspection, you said?
Gordon Crump No bother at all, sorry to trouble you in the pantry. It's just the annual check — we find the hatch and give it a good looking over, that's all it is, and then you'd know it's all in order up there.
Bernard That's very thorough of you. Mind you, I couldn't tell you where the thing is — I've never had reason to go up there, and the ladder frightens me a bit. Is it the sort of check that needs me to do anything, or do you do the climbing?
Gordon Crump Oh, we do all the climbing, you don't have to go near the ladder. And honestly, most people have never used theirs — that's exactly why we check, just to confirm it's where it should be and does what it ought.
Bernard Well, that's a relief, I must say. I'd have to think about the date, mind — my week's fairly full of nothing at all, but I like to keep it that way. Would first thing suit you better, or the afternoon when I've had my tea?
Gordon Crump Whatever suits you, honestly — first thing's lovely, or the afternoon's just as good. So shall we say we'll get you booked in, then?
Bernard Oh, now you're asking. Let me just — no, that's the immersion heater I was fiddling with, two settings and I never know which is which. Anyway, yes, I'm very interested. What was the day again?
Gordon Crump Sorry, that's my fault, I'm getting in a muddle. Any day that works for you — what about next week, morning or afternoon, whichever's easier?
Bernard Next week, that sounds grand. Only I'd better check, is it the Tuesday or the Thursday my sister comes? No, that's at Christmas — I'm mixing myself up. Let's say the morning, then. Oh — sorry, I was sure you were about to say something else.
Gordon Crump Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Colesworth Roofcare, brisk and card-like.
  2. Explain the annual loft hatch inspection, finding and checking it.
  3. Address the objection that they have never used or located it.
  4. Ask for the yes: book the inspection, agree a date.

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