Call #291 · 2026-10-28
Carol Finch
of Mbeki Glazing and Son
a fortnightly hedge trim that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no hedge, caller handed off to colleague
“Bernard asked what noise the trim makes; Carol cited eleven thousand and reached for a colleague.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Carol Finch
Carol Finch, Mbeki Glazing and Son — I'm calling about the hedge.
Bernard
Now then, who gave you this number? Oh, the hedge, yes. We've not got a hedge, but there's a gate that sticks when it's wet — would your lot see to that, do you think?
Carol Finch
The fortnightly trim just arrives unbidden, courtesy of us — no booking, no waiting in, nothing for you to do. And no, we don't do gates, sorry.
Bernard
Well, that's very good of you. So it just turns up, does it, like the coal man used to? Does it need anything doing to it first, or does it manage on its own?
Carol Finch
That's rather the point, isn't it — you never asked, and that's exactly what free goodwill is meant to look like. So can I put you down as a yes and let the trimmer start this fortnight?
Bernard
Oh, I'd have to think about it. And what sort of noise does it make — I'm a bit deaf in this ear, so I like to know what's coming. Would it be all right round the back of a bungalow?
Carol Finch
It's not loud. Honestly, eleven thousand of these and nobody's ever asked me that. Can I just get the yes and let the trimmer start this fortnight?
Bernard
Eleven thousand, is it — you've been at it a while then. Mind you, I had a chap once who said he'd done eleven thousand and he'd only done about nine. What was it you wanted me to say yes to?
Carol Finch
I'm going to hand you over to a colleague — this one's beyond me. Sorry for the trouble.
Bernard
I'm sorry to hear that, you've been very good about it. Well, I was very interested, so I'll let you go — mind how you get on now.
Carol Finch
I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming you're through to Mbeki Glazing and Son about the hedge.
- Explain the fortnightly trim arrives unbidden as a courtesy, no booking needed.
- Address the objection that nobody asked: that's the point, it's free goodwill.
- Ask for the yes to let the trimmer start this fortnight.
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