Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #283 · 2026-10-28

Kwame Hollins
of The Institute of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers

a replacement for a gatepost that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
31%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 283: Kwame Hollins of The Institute of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the post needed feeding and whether it lived near the house or out by the road; caller blamed the line and left the boundary to itself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kwame Hollins Bernard, good afternoon. Kwame Hollins, Institute of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers. I'm ringing because your gatepost is failing modern post-adjacency standards, and I can fix that this week.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only I keep the side gate on a latch, and it only opens inwards, so mind yourself coming round.
Kwame Hollins I'm not at any door, Bernard. Now, your gatepost. It falls short of modern post-adjacency standards for bunker access, and that's exactly the sort of thing I'm here to put right.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Coal, you said? We had a coal man when I was a boy, he had a horse. Now, would this post of yours need feeding?
Kwame Hollins Nothing to look after, Bernard. And the key thing is that a new post goes in as a matter of routine, whether the old one is still upright or not.
Bernard Ah, routine. My father was a great one for routine, he did the same walk every evening regardless. Tell me, though, does it want to be near the house, or out by the road?
Kwame Hollins Anywhere on your boundary suits, Bernard. And to be clear, replacing the post is standard practice even when the original one is perfectly sound, as yours is.
Bernard It is sound, isn't it. My nephew said the same at Easter. Or was it Christmas he came — no, it was Christmas, and Easter he was in Whitby. What was the name of your firm again?
Kwame Hollins Kwame Hollins, Institute of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers. Now, if I can just put you down for the accredited replacement assessment this week, Bernard.
Bernard This week, well, I'd have to think about it, only Thursday I'm at the library. Could we say Friday? No — Friday's the day the bin men come, and my lid's gone missing, so I like to be here for that.
Kwame Hollins I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from the Institute of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers.
  2. Explain the current gatepost fails modern post-adjacency standards for bunker access.
  3. Address the objection: replacement is standard even when the original post stands.
  4. Ask for the yes: book the accredited gatepost replacement assessment this week.

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