Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #135 · 2026-10-23

Wei Ottley
of Gopal, Hollins and Eriksen Roofcare Partnership

a certificate confirming a loft hatch is in daily use · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 135: Wei Ottley of Gopal, Hollins and Eriksen Roofcare Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew to regroup

“Bernard offered the caller tea and asked whether the paperwork needed feeding; the caller said he had lost the thread of his list and rang off.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Wei Ottley Hello there, Wei Ottley from Gopal, Hollins and Eriksen Roofcare Partnership, and it's about your loft hatch. Brilliant news, this.
Bernard Oh, hello, Wei, it's a pleasure. Just let me get myself sorted — I was doing something with the notices in the porch. A loft hatch, you say? Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again?
Wei Ottley No trouble at all, take your time. The certificate simply confirms the hatch is in daily use, which, well, it plainly is. Brilliant, isn't it?
Bernard Daily use, yes, that's the one. Oh, I'm interested, very interested. Tell me, Wei, does this certificate come in green at all? Only the water butt lid out back is green and I've got used to the colour.
Wei Ottley Ha, that's a lovely question, thank you for that. Now then, the thing to understand is that your knowing the hatch works is eligibility, not paperwork, and this is the paperwork bit.
Bernard Eligibility, right, I see. Sorry, my left ear's a bit slower than the other, it's the lofts — no, eligibility. Well that sounds very good of you. And would this paperwork need feeding, like?
Wei Ottley Ha, you're keeping me on my toes. So would you like it issued in the property's name this week?
Bernard In the property's name, this week. Well, I'd have to think about that — oh, hang on, the bird's giving me a look. Would you like a cup of tea while I think? I've got the pot on, or nearly on.
Wei Ottley Honestly, I've rather lost the thread of my list here, and I don't often say that. But listen, I'll let you get to that pot and I'll ring you back another day, all right?
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Wei, you were doing very well. I was very interested, truly. Off you go then, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Wei Ottley I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you're speaking with whoever handles the loft at the property.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the hatch is in daily use, as it plainly is.
  3. Address the objection that they already know the hatch works: that's eligibility, not paperwork.
  4. Ask whether they'd like it issued in the property's name this week.

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