Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #119 · 2026-10-22

Clive Zouch
of Petley Hedgework Ltd

an annual inspection of a boiler you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
7%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 119: Clive Zouch of Petley Hedgework Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no boiler, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the boiler wanted feeding; the caller asked him to say yes and then could not say to what.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Clive Zouch Hello there, Clive Zouch here from Petley Hedgework Ltd, and I'm ringing because your premises has a boiler on our records — brilliant, that's just what I wanted to hear.
Bernard Well, hello to you, that's very good of you to ring. Now — are you warm enough where you're sitting? Only it's turned chilly out, and I'd hate to think of you in a cold office somewhere.
Clive Zouch Very kind of you to ask, and I'm lovely and toasty, thank you! Now the annual inspection covers a boiler you've never actually used, which is great news for you, isn't it?
Bernard Never used it, no — I'm not sure I've ever even clapped eyes on it, if I'm honest. Would it want feeding, do you think? Things like that usually do.
Clive Zouch Ha, feeding it, that's a good one! And I do understand the worry — the boiler's location can't be found or verified, so we simply note that on the form and inspect it regardless.
Bernard Well, that's a relief, in a way. Mind you, there's a chimney pot out the back that the birds have got into — do you suppose the two might be connected?
Clive Zouch Chimney pots, birds, they're always up to something, brilliant! Anyway, look — can I just put you down for the yes and book that inspection in?
Bernard Oh, well, now — yes, I'm very interested, I really am. I'd have to think on it just a moment. What was it you said you'd be inspecting again?
Clive Zouch The boiler, the one on your premises, the annual inspection of said boiler which is — so I'd just, if you'd say yes we'd, and the thing of it is, that's rather where I've got to.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, after all the trouble you've taken. Well, it's been lovely talking to you — you get yourself home safe now.
Clive Zouch Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they hold the premises with the boiler on record.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a boiler they've never used.
  3. Address the objection: the boiler's location cannot be found or verified.
  4. Ask for the yes on booking the inspection anyway.

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