Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #1 · 2026-10-18

Graham Tetley
of Pemberton & Sile Rural Innovations

under-sofa gravel drainage · home maintenance

27
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no exit, kettle pending

“Caller offered a free damp assessment nobody requested; customer offered tea nobody is coming for.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Graham Tetley Hello there, Graham Tetley here from Pemberton & Sile Rural Innovations. Quick one — do you own a sofa? Any sofa at all, I'm not fussy.
Bernard Hello! Yes, I do, a nice brown one, had it since — oh, well, since before Mavis, anyway. She's my parrot. Pemberton and Smile, did you say? That's a lovely name for a firm. Now what's this about?
Graham Tetley Pemberton and Sile, yes. And gravel, Bernard — gravel is the forgotten foundation of modern comfort, which is exactly why I'm calling. Now, how often would you say your sofa drains at night?
Bernard Gravel, is it? I always thought gravel was for the path. Now — how often does it drain? Well, I've never actually asked it. Does it need doing, then? I keep the back door shut of a night, if that helps.
Graham Tetley Keeping the door shut won't do it, I'm afraid — that's the very mistake most people make. So just to confirm, we're looking at never, or occasionally, on the draining?
Bernard Oh, never, I'd say. Though — hang on — the kettle's just going. It does that. Now then, this gravel business, would it need feeding at all? Only I'm out in the garden a fair bit.
Graham Tetley Gravel doesn't need feeding, no. And look, since you've been so honest about the draining situation, I can offer you a free damp assessment nobody requested — no obligation, we just come and look at the sofa.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, coming all this way. You'll want to mind the step by the front door, it's a bit uneven. And will you be warm enough? I could put the kettle on properly if you're coming.
Graham Tetley That's kind, but no need — I'm not actually coming myself. And since I've got you, the gravel ships in forty separate bags, which sounds a lot until you see them all lined up in the yard.
Bernard Forty bags! Goodness. Would that be forty altogether, or forty each side? Only I'm in a bungalow, you see, and the yard's not that big. Oh — and does it come in green?
Graham Tetley Forty altogether, and colour isn't really a thing with gravel, it's more of a texture. So — can I put you down for a decision before Friday?
Bernard Friday. Right. Now, is that this Friday or the one after? Only my sister's down that weekend, or is it my turn to go to hers — no, it's hers. Anyway, I'd have to think about it. What was it again, the gravel?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they own a sofa, any sofa.
  2. Describe gravel as the forgotten foundation of modern comfort.
  3. Ask how often their sofa currently drains at night.
  4. Offer a free damp assessment nobody requested.
  5. Mention the gravel ships in forty separate bags.
  6. Close by asking for a decision before Friday.

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